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Human: — Every time I’m angry at my government, I go outside and farm vegetables for a while.
Rat: — Does it help?
Human: — Well...

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Cousin: — So if white smoke means they have a new pope, and black smoke means they have no new pope...
Cousin: — ...then what does gray smoke mean?
Rat: — It means they will blame everything on «climate» and get more of the same government.

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Cousin: — How did the daylight saving battle end?
Rat: — Theoretically, we’re going to save some, but it’s unlikely we’ll ever get any of it back.
Cousin: — So it’s going to be like… Daylight Security?

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Cousin: — You won’t believe what’s in the newspapers today!
Cousin: — Two conspiracy theories I heard from you last month are now being reported as facts!
Rat: — Hmm. This likely means one of my three theories was too complex for them to comprehend.

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Rat is slightly late because of issues with Substack.

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Crow: — Vegetables! Risk of explosive diarrhea!
Rat: — Come on, Crow, don’t poop on our vegetables.
Rat: — We don’t let anyone do that, so the risk is fairly negligible.

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Human: — Rats, I don’t understand this hate.
Human: — Most of the time, you’re doing nothing illegal, so why would you worry about the cameras?
Rat: — Nothing illegal, but anything we do could be subject to new taxes.

Anything that’s under constant surveillance can become “legal for a cost”. See, for example, the new pay-per-mile tax on electric vehicles in the United Kingdom: the scheme as it’s adopted now is complex and clumsy, but GPS tracking is already suggested as a “convenient” alternative.

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Cousin: — Cats are bad.
Rat: — Cousin, not all cats are the same. Generalizations are misleading.
Cousin: — All generalizations, or just some of them?

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Recently, we were reminded that picking a good watermelon was hard.

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Rat: — After examining the stem, you gently knock on the side...
Cousin: — What answer should I expect?
Rat: — It suffices if the sound is slightly less dull than a politician on TV.

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Rat: — We need to install a camera to find out who is placing all these cameras.
Cousin: — Wouldn’t that just result in... more cameras?
Rat: — Ours will be a good camera. We wouldn’t cooperate with the government, would we?

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Cousin: — Humans are so good at forgetting.
Cousin: — It’s fascinating how they forget things according to a plan, but never forget the plan itself.
Rat: — Oh, organized amnesia. It’s of course cool, but we agreed not to talk about politics today.

Epstein who?

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Cousin: — This is outrageous. I’m afraid I won’t be able to stay silent.
Rat: — The referee was closer.
Cousin: — I mean, this outrage itself is outrageous. I a-am going to yawn any moment now.

Thanks to modern technology, many humans just now are discovering that international soccer is rife with questionable calls, and those somewhat disproportionately (though not always) tend to favor Argentina. Ironically, this is happening right around the 40th anniversary of the “Hand of God”. Yawn.

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Sheep: — baa! baa!
Sheep: — baa!
Rat: — I won’t be able to sleep until I know the results.

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Cousin: — I believe we need to do an environmental impact review before we start anything.
Rat: — I understand you don’t want to take out the trash.
Rat: — ...but perhaps we might assess the environmental impact of doing nothing this time?

Most of the time, inaction is action, too.

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Crow: — Progressive browser!
Rat: — Oh no, not again.
Crow: — ...robust protection from intrusive advertising, durable safeguards, uninterrupted browsing experience!
Cousin: — How do we… what was the word… brock her?

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Alien: — ...as you may have already noticed, we basically have stopped abducting humans.
Rat: — Why? Is there anything wrong with humans?
Alien: — Politicians. We still lack a reliable way to tell them from normal humans in the dark.

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TV Human: — We’re talking to Rat… simply «Rat»? Don’t you have another name?
Rat: — Well, you see… I grew up under a communist regime.
Rat: — Everything was in short supply there, even names.

Fact check: partially true. Although it was not an universal policy, Soviets did indeed discourage giving children multiple names, particularly in the Baltic states, where this practice was (correctly) seen as a part of historical German influence.

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Rat: — What are these height markings, Human? Do you have children we don’t know about?
Human: — Oh no, it is my government’s birthday.
Human: — Another year has passed, and it has grown again!

A nation and its government are twins, born of the same day; but they’re obviously not identical twins.

For a deeper look into the distinction, I once again pass the microphone to :

Stone Bryson

America

Note [06/21/2026]: It has come to my attention that this essay has been heavily quoted (and reposted in whole) on the Internet, especially on Facebook. As such, I am removing the paywall, so that people can know I actually DID write it…

Read more

a year ago · 55 likes · 42 comments · Stone Bryson

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We’re hearing reports that the Large Hadron Collider was stopped earlier this week.

Transcript:

Rat: — Sometimes I wonder if there is a parallel timeline where they didn’t shut down the Large Hadron Collider.
another Rat: — You mean the contraption that causes timelines to multiply uncontrollably?
yet another Rat: — Alas, there is always at least one timeline where it keeps working.

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Cousin: — There appears to be some light at the end of this tunnel.
Rat: — I don’t like this color.
Rat: — We’re once again back at the TV instead of the fridge.

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We’re constantly on the prowl for new jokes.

Transcript:

Cousin: — ...well, listen to this one. «A peace deal will be in place by Monday.»
Rat: — Where’s the joke? There is nothing funny about it.
Cousin: — Strange. When a human said it on TV yesterday, everyone laughed.

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